Why it took so long for me to realize what was happening with my life, is beyond me. But it finally hit me, at 52 years old, that my entire life, pretty much, has been spent trying to avoid panic attacks. My anxiety was at such a high level, I could barely think straight. It would either come out in a form of mania, or total panic attack. It’s so odd to me that it really took so long for me to get mad at this and realize how much of my life it has consumed. It interfered with my education, my work and career choice, personal relationships suffered for the most part also. Luckily, I have been surrounded by my family members who do understand. Mental illness, in the form of anxiety, depression, etc., touched quite a few family members. I know my mom suffered anxiety. I recall how she always had a nervousness about her. My house was absolutely spotless growing up. Every corner was clean. My mom would clean and clean. She cooked hot meals daily after being on her feet as a hairdresser her whole life. She still came home and cooked and cleaned. I don’t remember my mom sitting down to take it easy much at all. When I finally was able to seek the help of a doctor, I was tried in every antidepressant you can think of. I was told some antidepressants have shown promise to help with anxiety. Well, let’s just say it’s been 30 years and I spent so much time running from it and a lot more time dancing around with doctors. I did my part with everything they suggested but never was able to get relief. I was able to get through enough classes to obtain my associates degree, but things seemed to get worse when I transferred credits. I never was able to get my bachelors degree but I had student loans coming out of my ears. I paid enough to be a doctor with all of the loans I had out.
I really hope those of you that are suffering with this, take your life into your own hands and demand that you get help. I’m not sure what I would of done differently, except stop waiting for a doctor to fix things. It will never happen. We have to do as much as we can for ourselves.
It’s time to create what I want to call “fun pages”. Those of us who have been and still are suffering from anxiety or anything else, we have to realize it’s something we have to deal with. Again, I’m not, in any way,’saying doctors are not a help. I realize my writing sounds hopeless as though I never received help. I do say that but what this meant was the doctors I had, did not automatically put me on anti anxiety medication right away. I remembered a few people I knew were given great medication that worked on their anxiety right away. I finally asked my doctor why he wouldn’t need give me that medication. He explained that the benzodiazepines family were so bad for our brains, especially with long term use. He asked me if I wanted to recognize my son in five years? He explained that these medications put our brains in a state of having dimentia and it is NOT reversible! So that explained a lot. I wish I was given this explanation years ago. I may of been able to do more to help myself. I don’t know what at that time,’but I would of had a better idea of what I’m dealing with. Then I did start to conduct a lot of research on my own. There are things you can do boost your self confidence. This is where my “fun pages” come in.
I’m going to be bring you a lot of great ideas and a lot of ways you can boost your confidence. I will be going over a lot of things that I reasearched for quite some time and I implemented some of these things in my life and it did a world of good. I started to get my self feeling better about myself. I learned that my mental health was nothing to be embarrassed about, this is an illness just like anything else. I learned to be proud of who I am. All of me. So I started keeping notes and writing articles based on what I’ve tried to work with in my life and what really helped.
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It is Possible to Live with Whatever Issue is Interfering with Your Life
Living with depression, anxiety, Panic disorer, bipolar disorder, whatever it may be can really be debilitating to ones life. I am sharing my story because I realized how many people out there are suffering with some form of mental health but may not know what is happening, they could be scared to tell anyone what’s going on with them, they don’t know what to do. That was me! Many years ago. Honestly, I’ve been suffering with anxiety and panic disorder since I can remember. Meaning I started having this as a little girl. Of course it worsened as I got older, however I was always feeling a bit more anxious than the others, or so I thought. Who knows, there could of been others feeling this way, but I told nobody!
I still have not found a doctor to really help me. Every one of them would suggest antidepressants because they have proved to help with anxiety. I realize that anti-anxiety medications are really not good for our brains. My doctors all said these types of medications put our brains in a state of dimentia and it is not reversible. I am now 52 years old and I’ve been dealing with this my whole life! I really started feeling hopeless, like I should just deal with it because I will not get any help from these doctors. I don’t really know what I wanted from them, it wasn’t a specific medication, I just wanted some sort of advice that made sense. I couldn’t finish college, I have student loans totaling $65,000 and I have NO degree! I had to keep dropping classes because once I have a panic attack, I will never go to that place again.
I started to not have interest in my appearance. This is something I’ve always kept up with and cared about. I, like anyone else, cared how I looked. Not for anyone else, for myself. The first thing I did, as much as I didn’t have the energy or desire to do this, I started putting my make-up on again. I started to take care off my skin again, something I’ve done since I was 20 years old. I started doing my hair again, which isn’t much of anything, but I took care of it.
Thank you so much for being so candid and honest about your struggles. Whew! It’s taking me a bit to put my whole story up but I am starting my blogs in order so it will make sense, my point is though I am relieved I don’t yet have to write about my main point and what I’ve gone through I’m not ashamed at all any longer actually. But putting g it up here on the internet is intimidating but I will get to that part eventually. You can do it, I certainly can. I really loved reading your words. Thank you again for sharing. As sweet as you are to offer, I offer you a person you can vent to or just talk to anytime. Ok I have
Revised & updated version
In lieu of the horrible start I had in 2017 (horrible actually doesn’t even begin to describe it), recovery never really ends. I predicted recovery would be a challenge once I move to LA, and it definitely has been.
It used to be very difficult for me to talk about my six-year struggle with my eating disorder. It started with around thirty very detailed pages of my life story titled, Diary of Broken Shadows, that dated back to 2010 when I was in high school, when my relationship with my body started going on a downward spiral.
Now, over a year later, still going through relapses, after useful edits from my journalism peers in hand, word document open and ready to continue on to a hundred more pages, I decided to stop and go in another direction, a more relatable approach on how I’m going to share my story.
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